On Being Nice and Other Detriments to Career Advancement

I was having a conversation recently with a coworker, who had taken an undergrad photography class. In their final quiz, the instructor asked them to write down what grade they thought they had earned. My friend told me that he naturally wrote down “A” and was mystified why the woman next to him--who had done all of the work, well, from everything he could see--gave herself a “B.”

I understood what she was thinking. Women, I explained to him, tend to feel like they’re bragging or self-inflated if they overreach in rating their own performance. In addition to which, the instructor was basically asking the students to demand what they felt they deserved. It may have seemed straightforward to him that, of course, you ask for the “A.” But women are encouraged to be modest and accommodating. Men demanding what they want are assertive and admirable, and women who demand are difficult at best, bitchy at worst. And these assessments can have real-world implications in professional settings.

So it wasn’t surprising to me to see this article in the Washington Post. The traditional answer for men demanding and receiving more, in salary and promotions, is that men are more aggressive, as a result of some combination of socialization and genetics. However, according to this article, researchers found

[W]omen's reluctance was based on an entirely reasonable and accurate view of how they were likely to be treated if they did. Both men and women were more likely to subtly penalize women who asked for more -- the perception was that women who asked for more were "less nice."

Women, then, act according to real-world incentives. Which makes sense to many of us who have tried to walk the tightrope between being “nice” and getting what we want.