It Looks Almost Like This, Nearly As Big. And It Scares People

The actual Hal 3000, as opposed to my facsimile

My life is such that one of the pleasures I have is new work gizmos. I know, it's sad. Pity me. So it was with great excitement that I anticipated the arrival of my honcho-chosen new computer to replace my 5-year-old one. Sure, I'd glanced at the spec sheet and given him vague feedback about more RAM when he was ordering. But otherwise, I trusted his judgment; he's a man who likes to stay on the cutting edge of technology.

When the box arrived, we all blinked. It was, well, massive. Bah, I scoffed. You know how they like to pack these things within fifty feet of styrofoam.

Tech Dude came today to try to set it up, wheeling away the box on a dolly to a distant back room. Moments later, he knocked on my door: "um, have you seen this thing?" No, I told him. Why, was something wrong? "Oh, no," he said quickly. "It's just a little . . . big. I'm not sure it's going to fit under your table."

So while Tech Dude was at lunch, my coworker and I raced down to peek into the room and behold it. Friends, it was the biggest computer I've ever seen. And it had red lights down the entire front. It looked like a skyscraper at night, lit by blood-red Halloween lights. It was garish, it was horrifying. It looked like I could misdirect government satellites in my downtime and possibly control the weather.

Apparently, however, it's absurdly fast. I don't know this for certain, because he couldn't set it up. But I feel a lot like some bozo who cluelessly ordered an ostentatious and too-fast sports car that everyone's waiting to see plowed into a tree.